Friday was the day. The day when my husband took me into a court room and divorced me. I have spent the last year praying it would never happen. I can not even begin to tell you how many people have actively gotten on their knees an prayed over us and him. I have prayed he would choose to love me again and come home to our family...but he didn't. He has moved on an did it a long time ago. Our 26 years of marriage and 30 years together were nothing. During the proceedings he never looked at me, afterwards when I sat alone in my car crying he chose to walk by and not acknowledge me or see if I was OK. That is when I realize what I really must mean to him.
But, that isn't the way I felt for him all those years. I loved him more than life itself and gave him everything I had to give. I was far from perfect but I gave him all my heart, devotion an adoration and believed his words and actions. I believed in a God that had created us for each other an ordained our family as His. Now...I don't know. I truly believed we were created for each other because God knew the issues we would face and he made us so that we would weather the storms until my husband gave up. I don't even know what I believe anymore.
The saddest thing. though, is how his choices have destroyed what was once a happy, whole family that loved each other. Now the bonds are broken...between Mother & Daughter, Sister & Brother, Brothers, Father & Son. We are just the rubble of what once was. Rubble he never has to see. We paid for his choices in our pain. But he is happy and whole.
I realize many people will feel I shouldn't have written this post but it has been a long time since I have felt brave enough to write about us, our family, our marriage. I am feeling braver now and maybe that is a good sign. Maybe it is a sign of healing within myself, maybe it is growth, maybe I have had my eyes opened to reality, maybe it is just done. I haven't cried all weekend because the man that sat in that courtroom I did not know, and did not want to know....so maybe love does go away.
If you have a wife or a husband and/or children, hug them a little tighter, a little longer with a little more intention because it can all be gone in a blink of an eye. Choose to love, even if it is just choosing to love living today just a little more! :-)