I have been doing really well lately, or at least I thought I had been.. I haven’t cried in a while. But today, when I was getting my youngest ready for camp I opened a drawer and saw all sorts of memories. They were clothes he had out grown, clothes from happier times when we had a whole family. The tears started and I couldn’t stop them. I just wanted to lay down in those clothes and cry myself to sleep. I am crying again now as I think about it. I miss my family and what family meant so very much. We are now full of fractures filled with anger, hate and mistrust. One thing I wanted my entire life is for my children to have close loving relationships with each other and I am seeing that dissolve before my very eyes. I hate this. I miss having back up when a child rearing issue comes up.. I miss knowing that there is someone who can step in when I can't handle it. I am so tired of doing this alone. I miss having someone to share the day with…I am lonely.
I am tired of being strong when I really feel like “where are you God?” Why did this happen to us?
When will it ever, ever, ever get easier?