Have you ever used that term, "I am signing my life away?" It seems I have heard it when people are financing a new car or house, or even getting married. It is said in a comical way because for their signature they are generally acquiring something they really, really want...even at a high cost.
But this week, I signed my signature on a document I never wanted to sign; a document I never wanted to see. I was forced to sign a document I have prayed and begged not to have to sign. I literally signed my life away and got nothing in return... except emptiness, broken heartedness, the loss of someone I have loved my entire life, my hopes, and my dreams. I stood in a cold, sterile office shaking, with tears streaming down my face, as a stranger witnessed my signature and notarized the documents and tried to say the right things to make it easier. There are no words that make this easier. There are no right things when divorce is wrong. "The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect...(Malachi 2:16 NIV).” I just truly never thought we would be here. I believed our marriage to be blessed, even with all the hard things that were involved. Now there is nothing to make this right or just or ok....just nothing. I so desperately want a miracle.
I am clinging to a thread knowing that my God is in control and that HE loves me. I am weary from the battle and I don't like my new life, I don't want this new life but I love my God and am having to trust Him and when I look into the faces of my 3 sweet babies I know He is full of love, mercy and grace.
Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.